Friday, June 04, 2004

Resume Quotations

The following quotations were taken from resumes and cover letters from all over the country. With all the work and care that goes into writing these documents, it's funny, if unfortunate, when errors slip through to the final draft. Alas, such mistakes make exactly the wrong impression on exactly the wrong people.





"I am very detail-oreinted."

"I have a bachelorette degree in computers."

"Graduated in the top 66% of my class."

"I worked as a Corporate Lesion."

"Served as assistant sore manager."

"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."

"Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."

"Special skills: Thyping."

"Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."

"I can play well with others."

"I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing."

"Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."

"My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."

"I eat computers for lunch."

"I have used lots of software appilcations."

"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."

"Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."

"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."

"Previous experience: Self-employed --a fiasco."

"I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation."

"Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."

"I like slipping and sliding around behind the counter and controlling the temperature of the food."

"Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."

"Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlawed in my state."

"My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend."

"I love dancing and throwing parties."

"I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine."

"Special Skills: Speak English."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Experience with: LBM-compatible computers."

"Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward."

"Typing Speed: 756 wpm."

"Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws."

"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."

"My experience in horticulture is well-rooted."

"Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."

"Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."

"Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."

"Excellent memory; strong math aptitud; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."

"Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law."

Posted by on 06/04 at 12:38 PM
Employment Humor • Permalink