Friday, September 17, 2004

Right Click Please

Tech Support: “Now I want you to click the right mouse button over the [ISP] icon.”


Customer: “Yep.”


Tech Support: “Did a menu appear with ‘Properties’ being listed at the bottom?”


Customer: “No! It just says [ISP], and there’s two buttons, ‘Connect’ and ‘Cancel’.”


Tech Support: “Ok, let’s just try again. You must have double clicked using the left mouse button. No problem, just click ‘Cancel’. Now, I’d like you to click the button on the right of the mouse, not the left, and I’d like you to click it only once.”


Customer: “Now it says ‘Create Shortcut Here’!”


Tech Support: “Ok, click on ‘Cancel’.”


Customer: “Left or right button?”


Tech Support: “Left, please.”


Customer: “Now what?”


Tech Support: “Ok, let’s just try this again.”


Customer: “All right then, one last time.”


Tech Support: “Right, ok, please click the right mouse button over [ISP] and please try and keep the mouse still when doing so.”


Customer: “Which button is the left button?”


Tech Support: “Not the left button!”


Customer: “Which one’s that?!”


Tech Support: (groan, sigh, urgh)


Customer: “Oh, never mind. ‘Properties’ is listed.”



From then on, everything went fine, but on a future visit to the client’s office, we discovered multiple shortcuts all over the desktop, files placed anywhere and everywhere, and the entire system in general disarray.



Posted by on 09/17 at 08:17 PM
Computer Humor • Permalink

Thursday, September 02, 2004

You Know You’re Addicted To Coffee When…


  • You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

  • You sleep with your eyes open.

  • You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

  • The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.

  • You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

  • You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

  • Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

  • You chew on other people’s fingernails.

  • The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

  • You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

  • You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

  • You can jump-start your car without cables.

  • You don’t sweat, you percolate.

  • You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.

  • You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

  • You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

  • People get dizzy just watching you.

  • Instant coffee takes too long.

  • You channel surf faster without a remote.

  • You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

  • You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

  • You short out motion detectors.

  • You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

  • Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

  • You help your dog chase its tail.

  • You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

  • Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

  • You ski uphill.

  • You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.

  • You answer the door before people knock.

  • You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.



Posted by on 09/02 at 04:23 PM
Permalink

Friday, August 27, 2004

Relationships

A guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.



He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.



And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”



And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.



And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.



And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?



And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let’s see. February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.



And Elaine is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.



And Roger is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.



And Elaine is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.



And Roger is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty. That’s exactly what they’re gonna say, the rats.



And Elaine is thinking: maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.



And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their .... “Roger,” Elaine says aloud. “What?” says Roger, startled.



“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” shesays, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have . . . I feel so . . .” (She breaks down, sobbing.)



“What?” says Roger.



“I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”



“There’s no horse?” says Roger.



“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Elaine says.



“No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.



“It’s just that . . . It’s that I . . . I need some time,” Elaine says.



(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)



“Yes,” he says.



(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)



“Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?” she says.



“What way?” says Roger.



“That way about time,” says Elaine.



“Oh,” says Roger. “Yes.”



(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)



“Thank you, Roger,” she says.



“Thank you,” says Roger.



Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn. When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechs he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand it, so he figures it’s better not to think about it.



The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.



Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:



“Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?”



Posted by on 08/27 at 11:31 AM
Gender Humor • Permalink